But
it was never because Finley was upset. He has really never had an episode where
nothing could make him happy. We would mark off our checklist - diaper change? feeding? tired? gassy? just wants to be held? - and it was always one of the above. Super fortunate to have an easy baby :)
It
was the night we came home. I got in the shower (first one I had since I had
Fin a few days before, I could have stayed in there for hours if I wasn't so
sore & felt like I was going to pass out from sheer exhaustion) & I
completely lost it. I so desperately wanted to get out of the shower & take
a nap but I knew I couldn't because I could hear Finley crying. Chris was doing
his best to calm him but
he was all out squalling because he was hungry. And guess who was the only one
that could feed him? I was convinced I sucked at breast feeding,
was tired beyond any imagine able thing I had ever thought of, and could feel
it all hit me that life was never going to be the same. Oh yes. That was
me. I couldn't stop thinking about just getting out of the shower like I used
to and cuddling up in the bed with Chris & Ellie so I could sleep for
hours and wake up a new person, refreshed and ready to take on this thing called motherhood. I wondered if or when I would ever sleep like I used to. I thought about
the pain I was in - every single inch of my body hurt and I had never felt that before. I was angry that Chris thought he could come
home & watch his stupid basketball game & how normal everything was
still for him (which was totally selfish on my part, and not true at all but I was obviously not thinking clearly and mostly upset because he
couldn't share the responsibility of feeding Finley with me like we could
everything else) and I then felt guilty for even feeling any of this because
I had a very happy & healthy baby. It was intense. SO, so very intense. And that certainly wasn't the last time it happened. Because that was the role I was taking on - motherhood - which meant a sacrifice of self for another life. A sacrifice of sleep (which I have never been shy to say that I love!), a sacrifice of self, a time where my pain takes a backseat to my sweet baby, and certainly a time where my emotions were all over the place and I had to take it all in and cry, laugh, and accept that this messiness is motherhood. And I am blessed beyond belief to get to experience it - no matter how ugly it gets.
It
happened again when I knew Chris was going back to work. I cried and cried and
cried. Convinced I wouldn't be able to make it because I wouldn't have Chris to
heat up food for me, keep my water cup filled, soothe Finley to sleep after I got
done nursing, and keep me in good spirits when I was stressed about my breastfeeding, in more pain than I ever thought possible, not thinking clearly, and so very, very tired. What over a few days had turned into our new normal was about to change again with Chris going
back to work. It happened much sooner then we wanted but with real estate it never really stops. So I turned into a basket case because I didn't want things to change again. But, they did, and it got better. Each day (even though they ran together) was a small victory and I looked forward to Chris coming home each night for family time. It was certainly not easy - definitely one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life if not THE hardest - but I felt more and more confident as a mama each day. And I was getting to know my sweet little guy and figure out his cries, his cues, and look into his pretty blue eyes that melted my heart, put my finger in his little hand so he could squeeze it, and I got to have him all to myself. I may not have gone to the bathroom as much as I needed, slept as much as I wanted, or even brushed my teeth most days, but I wouldn't trade that time for the world. Finley and I both were getting it together. He was figuring out life outside the womb and I was figuring out life with him in it. And it was and still is the most wonderful thing - being a mama to my sweet boy who shows me something new each day and teaches me not to rush things because some days may be long but the years are short.
No comments:
Post a Comment