Satisfy - Day 5

Time with friends. And their kiddos. Watching them dance, cheer, squeal, run, and play together. That satisfies my soul right there, y'all. Happy Homecoming! We made some great memories! 

Satisfy - Day 4

You know what really makes me a proud mama? Watching Finley be SO friendly to people he doesn't know while we had dinner at Cheddar's. He stood up in the booth, turned around, and started waving like crazy and saying "hi, hi, hi" to all of the servers as they came by. He was our little greeter :) And it was amazing to watch and see what a small, innocent gesture can do. It certainly made my night as he would get each one smiling, or even stopping to talk, get a fist bump or high five, etc. You just never know how his sweet ear to ear grin brightened someone's night after they dealt with a disgruntled customer or were maybe dealing with personal issues that are hard to ignore. And you know what? One of the guys was so impressed he even brought him some ice cream!  

Having a child is such a good - and sometimes very humbling - reminder of Jesus' love and grace that He so freely gives us so we can give it to others. We don't need to do it to get the reward of ice cream :) but to simply show others our Savior. Watching my boy do that tonight satisfied my soul. Thankful for that reminder! 

Oh and in other news - here are pictures from our trip to the airport tonight. It was our first, but certainly not last, trip. We met the nicest couple who were in from Atlanta to watch their son fly. His mom shared with me that he recently flew to the airport close to her work for one of his lessons so he could see her. His instructor said that was a first! Tears - What a proud mama moment for her! As we talked I was certainly reminded of how quickly this time with Finley will pass us by. Going to do my best to soak it all up as much as I can. It's already gone by way too fast. 

Satisfy - Day 3

Today I'm going to use other's words on being satisfied - I'm working on some longer entries that I'll post later :) 

“Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren’t satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other.” 

-Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

"True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” 

― Lucius Annaeus Seneca

“If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with.” 

― L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

“You say, 'If I had a little more, I should be very satisfied.' You make a mistake. If you are not content with what you have, you would not be satisfied if it were doubled.” 
― Charles H. Spurgeon

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not.” 
― Ann Brashares, Forever in Blue: The Fourth Summer of the Sisterhood

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Satisfy - Day 3

He Satisfies my Soul by allowing me to work with Chris. 

Yup, you read that correctly - allowing me to work. With my husband. 

I mean it! I am certainly not dismissing the importance of the work I am doing at home with Finley - trust me! - but to have 2 days a week where I help Chris is great. I get to roll my sleeves up and pitch in to assist the man who is working his tail off to provide so I can stay home with my son. And even better, it's also been wonderful for us to work as a team and get time just the two of us (Finley goes to Aunt Shannon's with Ellie Grace to play - which we all really enjoy!). For me to witness first hand what Chris endures on a daily basis and to see why he may sometimes be emotionally drained, physically tired, etc. has also helped me become more forgiving and understanding on the not so great/long days. 

So, as I sat in my office today (one of my favorite spaces I've ever decorated) and felt an overwhelming sense of thankfulness I thought back to how wonderfully the Lord's plan unfolded so I couId do this work. I remember crying out to God, begging Him to give me more time with Finley after he was born, knowing I only had a very short 8 weeks with him. He didn't answer my prayer right off the bat - instead of staying home full time, I went back to the Chamber. Thankfully, my part time schedule was agreed upon the day before I was supposed to come back full time - but the lessons I learned that year working part time were and still are immeasurable. 

God had way too much work to be done in me, my marriage, and my life as a whole for me to stay home. I am beyond thankful for the opportunity to have used that time to go to counseling, nurture relationships with my female co-workers/mama friends (including a wonderful bible study), and have time to myself to reflect upon God's grace, mercy, and love and how they were at work in my life. My marriage got stronger, I got more comfortable and confident in my role as a mother, and I found freedom from a past full of pain that I stuffed for far too long. All of this prepared me for the shift that would take place when we decided I would stay home 3 days a week and work 2 with Chris, starting in June. While this was exciting, there was plenty of fear tagging along as I found myself wondering if I would fail at using my time effectively at home and if working with Chris would be the worse idea ever. 

But, as He always does, my Father reminded me over and over again that He has me where He wants me and will give me everything I need for the task(s) at hand every single day. I am His. And that is enough. 

Satisfy - Day 2

Tuesday is a pretty calm day, typically, at our house. I try to stay home all day to catch up from the weekend and allow Finley to not have to be rushed out the door like he is on Monday and Wednesday. Today was no exception - we didn't even change out of our jam jams until daddy came home! I absolutely love calm days at home playing, reading, and making memories with my boy. We had that for sure & topped it off with a great night. 

Chris came home around 4:30 and we hit the pavement with the quickness. We wanted to make it to the park down the street to get plenty of play time before the sun set. Finley started squealing as soon as he saw the playground and was waving to the cars as we waited to cross the street. He played on the swings, climbed up the bars (with our help), and even went down the slide by himself with me holding his hand. Chris & I caught up on our day, we all laughed & played, and simply enjoyed each other's company. We even saw planes in the sky - so I'd say Finley's night was made! After dinner Chris gave Finley a bath and I cleaned up the play room, which included making the train track I had been trying to do all day. I got it set up & we played & played on it - connecting trains, going through the station, making noises as we went along - it was wonderful. We then all went and played in the living room until bedtime. 

Time together. Watching my boys play. Seeing the biggest grin on my baby's face. Blessings from Him that satisfy my soul like nothing else. 

Satisfy - Day 1

On my way to work this morning I had church in my car and it was glorious. It included very loud singing, hand raising, and some tears. After unpacking from a trip to Kentucky I was.thinking about the word content and asking myself lots of questions regarding my level of contentment in many areas of life. Then, this song came up on shuffle and stirred my soul even more! 

Fast forward a few hours later as I was checking Facebook and I see naptime diaries post about a 31 day writing challenge. Hmm...is this where I need to go with this? On my way to pick Finley up I started thinking about topics/words I could write about - contentment, heart (it was on my bracelet), and then it hit me. I'm going to write about how He satisfies my soul every day during the month of October! Yessir. It's going to be so good. 

And then He gave me this gorgeous view as I drove out to the country - soaking up my alone time with more singing and trying to fully present with Him. 

He satisfies my soul in so many ways. Alone time in my car is definitely one of them! 

Father's Day - one year later

This is my dad, Gordon Millar. Not many people have ever seen him or met him because he was only in our lives a brief time. I haven't seen my dad in 19 years even though I think he lives in the same city. Every Father's day when friends change their profile pictures I cringe because I don't have one. But, oh I do. And it has an amazing story of forgiveness, grace, and mercy to go along with it.

I share this picture because it's the first time at Father's Day that I can look at it with different eyes. Eyes that grieved the loss of my daddy (even though he did not die) and acknowledged that it was a traumatic event when he abandoned his own children. I gained this new perspective through the counseling I received last year that changed my life & my relationship with my Heavenly Father. My eyes now see that this man's choices had nothing to do with me & that I have a Heavenly Father who never has & never will leave me and will always love me. Eyes and a heart that understand grace, mercy, & forgiveness like I never have before.

I share this photo and these words because I am thankful that I did the hard thing, put my pride to the side, & went to counseling to work out emotions that were creating problems in my life that I had ignored far too long. My marriage was suffering and I was having anxiety issues that I never had before, all because of issues in my past that even though I kept saying were "fine" and "really ok, we are better off without him" - those coping mechanisms just weren't doing the job as a new mama who couldn't help but think
about her daddy who was around when
she was a baby and then just POOF!
left.

I share this photo because I'm thankful for amazing girlfriends who reached out to me and supported me by telling me about their counselor Debi at Branches so I could speak to someone trustworthy. They text me to make sure I made my appointment, would agree with me when I told them it was hard, beautiful, confusing & a million other emotions, cried with me, and cheered me on. They cared. Sometimes we didn't share details and sometimes we did. They were and are my SAFE support and that is priceless.

And most of all, I share this because I want you to know that if you are reading this and thinking,"this sounds familiar" I that it is more than ok to seek wise council to help you work through what's going on. You will be SO VERY thankful you did. Even though sometimes you will want to run away screaming ready to give up, it's worth it. Going through the heart change I did and still do every day has changed my life in many, many ways. Ask Chris - since he was patient enough to wait through it all I can honestly say that it saved our marriage (I'll have to share more on that another time). 45 minutes one time a week to have someone listen to my fears, ask questions, answer questions, and tell me things I sometimes didn't want to hear saved me from becoming a person I didn't want to become.

Thankful for HIS GRACE.

Below is the verse I claimed while beginning my 29th year off right to make sure 30 was worth celebrating. To be here one year later (I wrote this entry last year http://strengthforthedays.blogspot.com/2012/06/father-day.html?m=0) I stand in awe of what He did, what He's doing, and what He'll do as I allow Him to fight for me and give Him control of everything I do.

"The Lord will fight for you,
You need only to be still."
Exodus 14:14

Intentional Living

I shared that grace is my word for 2013 but I don't want to overlook my other word/phrase that has been on my mind for a while.

Intentional Living

My first goal is to be intentional with my time. Off work? Then I will try my best to be more productive with my time. Instead of just hanging around I will do laundry, clean out a closet, organize the pantry, etc. I know it doesn't sound like much but I often found myself not making the most of my time at home since I am fortunate enough to work part time. Managing my time on those days will mean more fun at night and on weekends. I will do my best to make sure that this does NOT take over my time with Finley, but that I can do a thing here and a thing there to be a better steward of my time at home.

I also plan on applying the "be intentional with your time" goal to my relationship with my heavenly Father as I dive into His word this year and really feed off His word. My pastor/teacher gave us some really great words this morning that were just what I needed to get this year started. I have to let go of the co-dependency that I have for others to feed me spiritually and do that on my own. I don't want to be a cultural Christian who expects others to give me what I need and want from my faith. It's mine to grow and nurture and celebrate.

I am also looking into more ways to be intentional with my time, treasures, and talent. I feel a strong urgency in one direction so we will see where that will take me. I am very excited to begin this journey of faith as I step out of my comfort zone. This will definitely be a place that is one big question mark waiting for His answer.

Lastly, I will be more intentional of my social media time. This is not easy for me to admit but is sadly very true. I will be checking social media during Finley's nap time or bedtime, not looking at it first thing when I wake up and before bed, and will keep my phone tucked away when my family is together. Do I enjoy photos on instagram, reading a good blog, and seeing my Facebook friend's funny status updates - of course! But I don't want that to precedence over reading a book to Finley, having a conversation with Chris, or soaking up the little time I have with friends. I have already done this the last few days and love the feeling of being fully present.

Goals, Words, New Beginnings

2012 was a wonderful, amazing, year and brought with it many changes and challenges. I wouldn't take back a single day. Looking into 2013 I have been trying to be a little more focused {I had a baby in 2012. Survival was my goal last year, mmmkay?}.

After much prayer, attempts at hefty goal setting & reality then reminding me who I am living this life for {http://www.thenatos.com/2012/12/the-real-motivation.html?m=1} I am still working on setting my actual goals but have my word.

Grace.

I learned what it meant last year. I was broken. I had past hurts that were impacting my day to day and I didn't know if my marriage was going to be over, what I could do to fix it all and make everything better, etc. so I started counseling. 5 months later I can say I understand grace now.

Grace is not just a word in the bible, or repeated in every chorus in a song we sing every Sunday, it's a way of living. It's extending grace in small ways and big ways. It's accepting God's grace and the fact that everyday I NEED it because I am human. I need to give it to myself, to Chris, to Finley, to family, to strangers, co-workers, everyone. We are all broken in one way or another and need it. We don't know the battles our brothers and sisters are each fighting. It's love. As a verb. It is my word. And I am beyond excited to see where it takes me in 2013.

So tell me, what's your word? What goals are you hoping to achieve this year? Isn't it exciting to think that His mercies are new every morning and He wants what is best for us?

Grace. My God is full of it :)

"Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given." (John 1:16 NIV)

For Sandy Hook

2 Corinthians 1
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.


I haven't blogged in a while and I think one day I will explain why, but today is not that day.

I am grieving as I sit in bed catching up on my social media. I haven't watched the news and I won't. I know enough to know what I need to do. I need to pray. To get on my knees and cry out to God. To pray for the children, the teachers, the first responders, the parents who witnessed evil in the flesh today and will never be the same. To ask for peace and comfort for the mamas, daddies, wives, husbands, grandparents, brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles who will never see loved ones again. Devastating. Heartbreaking. All day I have thought about the parents who won't tuck their babies into bed ever again. Whose Christmas gifts will sit unopened as a reminder of a life taken too soon. This season filled with joy & fun - when kids wake up to see where their elf on the shelf moved while they were sleeping and they hear the story of Christmas as their parents explain the excitement of Christ's birth - is now replaced with heartbreak and sadness, emptiness, and lots of questions as they face unexplainable loss. They are numb. It's so very hard to process.

Then the song Mary and Joseph by Dave Barnes comes on and it hits me. Innocent children were killed today. They did NOTHING to deserve what happened to them. While I am certainly not comparing, justifying, or trying to make sense of what happened I stop to think - Jesus was, too. He was born (Christmas) so he could die. His mother watching as he was beat and hung on a cross when he did NOTHING wrong. He didn't deserve to die. But He did so that we may live eternally. So that when the crazy of days like today happen we can remember that this life is temporary and because of His love for us we have Hope. We can have peace that passes all understanding when nothing makes sense. When tragedy strikes and leaves us asking "WHY, GOD?!" we can rest knowing that we won't have the answer to many things that will happen. That's why we need a savior. This life is about showing His love. His compassion. His grace. His mercy. His kindness. It's about being the good that we so want for this world. It has to start with us. We can't live in fear.

I also want to share this photo from a blogger I follow on Instagram. When. I read it as I was holding Finley I said Amen out loud. I needed this reminder.

Also, don't forget the family & friends of the one responsible for this act. They hurt, have questions, and are numb, too. He had a pain none of us can understand that caused him to do this. Let's make sure we are open and available to family, friends, neighbors, etc. when they need us. Don't ignore the signs. Make room in your hearts to help heal another's. Romans 12:21 - "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Let's overcome evil with love. Lots of it. So that the darkness will be overcome with light.

Happy 29th year to me!

For my birthday this year I gave myself the gift of counseling. Yup. I am going to make sure my thirties start right so this year is my year of discovery. It may take 5 years, 10 years, 2 years - who knows? - but I am looking forward to learning more about myself and figuring out why I do and say some of the things I do and how that impacts my day to day. Chris is very supportive - this was mostly his idea - knowing this will also help me in my role as a wife and mom. I am still trying to figure out if I will blog about what I am learning or not, we'll see how that works.
And if anyone is curious or has been thinking about counseling/therapy with a biblical base I am super impressed with my counselor Debi at Branches Recovery Center.

Google doesn't have children

I just watched a video that touched my heart. The article with it is wonderful, too - especially this part "why had I wasted all of those months reading about pregnancy when I should have been figuring out what to do once I had a BABY!? Sigh." I thought that to myself SO many times after having Finley! 

Here is the link to the article and video. So very touching! 

Amen by Dave Barnes

We will have love, we will have pain
There will be days and days and days that feel the same
We will have fear, we will have joy
There maybe little girls and little boys

We will have friends, we will have peace
There will be nights of lights and music till you sleep
We will be strong though we were still weak
We live through so much more than we could take

Amen, Amen
With the dawn the love began again
Amen, Amen
What is done and yet to come, Amen

We will have hope, we will have doubt
There will be memories we could never live without
We will have tears but there will be grace
There will be prayers that we never thought we'd pray

Amen, Amen
With the dawn the love began again
Amen, Amen
What is done and yet to come, Amen

In the sun or the storm, the flood or the flame
When everything's wrong, when I'm the one to blame
When heartache grow old, I swear I'll say
I'll say Amen, Amen

With the dawn the love began again
Amen, Amen
What is done and yet to come, Amen

Amen, Amen
Amen, Amen


This song is so true of our life right now. Thankful for a merciful God & a marriage worth fighting for. Adding a baby was and is a wonderful thing, but it definitely comes with it's own set of challenges. It also can bring out the best AND worst of us. Praying for all of my married friends who don't want to be a statistic. Don't give up!

It's official

We have a scooter on our hands! Tonight after dinner at Don and Shelly's I sat Finley down on a blanket to play. Next thing I know he is on his belly and scooting back. He made his way off the blanket in no time. Whew! I don't know if I am ready for all this change. In the past 2 weeks Finley has grown out of his infant car seat, grown out of the bassinet so we had to move him to his crib, gotten his first tooth, started eating rice cereal, and now he's scooting. He's a very busy boy! But it does remind me how thankful I am for a very healthy and active boy. Praise God!

Just A Swingin'

Today was Fin Friday and it started off with a nice, long nap in our bed so I knew it was going to be a good day. We decided to take a little trip to see Rachel who was home from work today. Mom and Scotty were also in town so we knocked out almost half of my family in one visit...yes! I love it when that happens. Since I work and Chris never stops working we are very stingy with our time with Finley.
While we were visiting mom and I tried on clothes that Rachel had cleaned out of her closet while Finley played on the bed next to Rachel and watched Abby's every move. Abby needed to go out at one point so I took her to the backyard so she could take care of her business. Matt and Rachel have a wooden swing attached to a large tree that is screaming for you to take a minute or two and relax. So, I couldn't resist. I sat my butt on that seat and pumped my legs to get going. Just swinging away in the backyard while my boy was inside with his nona and Choo Choo. And it was amazing.

It's the little things like that we all so easily take for granted. Those few minutes by myself outside in the not so humid weather were pure bliss.

Here are some pictures of Finley's first trip out of Rutherford County to Nashvegas. He sang while playing with Sophie Jr on the way there until he fell asleep about halfway. On the way home he was asleep by the time we hit the interstate. Guess all our chit chat and fashion show were too much for him. Ha! But really, he was a wonderful little traveler and I am so glad he fell asleep on the way home because it took us every bit if 40 minutes or so and that could have gotten ugly.

Ironing Things Out

We discovered today that Finley is his mother's child for sure. The iron scares the bejesus out of him. Just like it does me.

Chris was ironing some new shirts since he is shrinking because he is doing a great job of running 4 miles every day & losing weight. He needs smaller clothes & I need a whole new wardrobe (I am really trying to embrace this post baby body, promise). Anywhoo, he was ironing and I was in the floor playing with Finley when he got super fussy, then started crying. I instantly picked him up and noticed he was looking at the iron as it made that loud steamy noise. He was NOT a fan! No matter what I did to distract him he kept watching Chris with the iron with a very unsure look on his face.

Fin Friday

3 hour morning nap - check
Playtime with toys - check
Dancing to Dixieland Delight (this time with lots of giggles) - check
Another 3 hour nap in the afternoon - check
A nice, long family walk since dad came home early - check
Kisses every chance I could get - of course!

Love my Fin Friday's! I couldn't think of a better way to start the weekend.

Hugs

I know he has no clue what he just did but after Finley's nap today (on me, in his glider, of course - who uses a crib?!) I stood him up on my legs and he instantly threw his arms around my neck to give me a hug. He then decided playing, ok I will be honest, yanking my hair would be way more fun. But that hug was the sweetest.thing.ever! It made this mama's heart so full!

Finley Tuesday

This is really just for me so I can one day look back on my time with my little man. This is what my day looks like:

6:15 - you woke up & your daddy scooped you out of that bassinet as soon as one eyelid barely peeled open. You know what that means? He got the first smile :) Although he was nice and turned you around so I could get one shortly after his. He took you to change your diaper just like he does every morning he can.

After we talked and laughed a few minutes you nursed. It's really not the same now since you are mr easily distracted and daddy was getting ready. But I will take whatever I can get. Oh and you also really, really like to pull my hair. I really, really love you but the hair pulling, not at all.

Once you finished nursing you played on the bed with your toys, sitting up like a big boy. I also had you with me a bit so you could jump around and so I could get more of those smiles and giggles. Mornings when I don't have to work are my favorite. No rushing, just enjoying our time together. Once Daddy was done brushing his teeth(you think that's the best thing ever to watch) he came over and turned his music on so we had a little dance party where you rocked back and forth. Gah, you are so cute. After the dance party daddy left and you cuddled up with me and we napped. I woke up around 9ish and you are still asleep as I type and it's 10:33, which means you have been asleep probably a little over 2 hours. Your hair is all sticky from being asleep on my chest and moving back and forth between my arm. Right now you are bear hugging me with your face down as I listen to you breath and watch your sweet lips all puckered up. Oh I adore this time!

Back again...it's 1:30 and you are asleep again so I am taking advantage of the time to write. When you woke up earlier around 11:30 you picked your head up, looked right at me, and grinned. I love your fresh faced smile after a nap and how you still like to snuggle for a bit before waking up. You ate and then we played in the floor of the living room while I talked to Nonna (on speaker so you could hear her voice). After that we went into your bedroom so I could finish cleaning out your closet to switch your clothes from 6mo to 9mo. Yup, it's about that time. While I cleaned out your shorts and jam jams and put the new ones in you played in your Johnny jumper You have quite the moves in that thing! When I was finished we read one of my favorite books from your Aunt Stephanie "on the night you were born" that she gave you the night after you were born. You love reading books now - you grab the ends, help me turn the pages, and rock back and forth while I read - and it makes my heart happy. While we were reading there was some eye rubbing going on so we only got one book read and then it was nap time. You fell asleep like a champ (maybe your nonstop jumping for a good 15 minutes had something to do with it) and here we are. I will catch up again later to see what the rest of the day looks like.

The rest of the day was pretty relaxed. You woke up around 2 and ate then played on the floor with your toys and in the exersaucer. Around 4 you and I decided to take a little nap on the couch while it rained outside - so sweet. You cuddled up in your normal spot so my chin could rest on the top of your head. I know for a fact one day I am going to miss those naps so I will take advantage of them while I still can. Once we woke up you ate again and then daddy came home. Your face lights up when you see him. I love it!

5 minute Friday - story

Mine has changed so much over the past year. I always knew I wanted to be a mom and made no secret of it. I didn't know when it would happen. I didn't know the child would be one that I was blessed enough to carry - to watch him expanding my tummy day by day, to feel each hiccup (even letting others feel!), to watch him dance as he listened to Adele, and watch the clock so he could do his nightly 9pm gymnastics routine. But I was. And now my story changes as that baby lays on me while he sleeps. Each day bringing a new page in my book. Our book as a family. It's our story and God is always showing us what he has in store for us is far better than we could imagine.