Goals, Words, New Beginnings

2012 was a wonderful, amazing, year and brought with it many changes and challenges. I wouldn't take back a single day. Looking into 2013 I have been trying to be a little more focused {I had a baby in 2012. Survival was my goal last year, mmmkay?}.

After much prayer, attempts at hefty goal setting & reality then reminding me who I am living this life for {http://www.thenatos.com/2012/12/the-real-motivation.html?m=1} I am still working on setting my actual goals but have my word.

Grace.

I learned what it meant last year. I was broken. I had past hurts that were impacting my day to day and I didn't know if my marriage was going to be over, what I could do to fix it all and make everything better, etc. so I started counseling. 5 months later I can say I understand grace now.

Grace is not just a word in the bible, or repeated in every chorus in a song we sing every Sunday, it's a way of living. It's extending grace in small ways and big ways. It's accepting God's grace and the fact that everyday I NEED it because I am human. I need to give it to myself, to Chris, to Finley, to family, to strangers, co-workers, everyone. We are all broken in one way or another and need it. We don't know the battles our brothers and sisters are each fighting. It's love. As a verb. It is my word. And I am beyond excited to see where it takes me in 2013.

So tell me, what's your word? What goals are you hoping to achieve this year? Isn't it exciting to think that His mercies are new every morning and He wants what is best for us?

Grace. My God is full of it :)

"Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given." (John 1:16 NIV)

The Good Stuff...

Recently I read an article that Rachel posted on FB about weddings. It was really good - but I have attached the BEST part. The good stuff. The one thing I wish every couple could take away from getting married.

You can read the full article here

THE THINGS NO ONE SAYS ARE IMPORTANT ARE IN FACT THE MOST IMPORTANT.

Two words: Premarital counseling. It is perhaps the most vital thing you can do before marching down the aisle. It doesn't matter if your love is so all-powerful it can superglue glaciers, you need to talk about the changes that are about to envelop your day-to-day lives. As a couple, you must sit down in a room not filled with cakes and hors d'oeuvres samplers and ask the squirmy, uncomfortable questions that no one ever really wants to ask: Who's going to pay the ConEd bill? Who's going to unload the dishwasher 99% of the time? Who's going to initiate sex when we're both bone-tired and haven't done it in a week? How strongly do we each feel about fidelity? What religion (if any) do we want to impart to our children? And how can we set ourselves up with the ability to keep discussing these things in the future? Because they will come up.

This crap -- these thorny, excruciating conversations -- is THE crap. It is the only reality. The ribbon-clad roses and monogrammed key chains and signature cocktails are not. Messy conversations are what you are signing up for, and what you will bump up against regularly for the remainder of your lives together. They are the gateway to a fulfilling and joyous relationship. And I can absolutely 100,000% guarantee you that not a single tux tailor or band singer or wedding planner or overbearing third cousin will ever tell you this. But your divorce lawyer certainly will.

One last final note: If you think I exempt myself from these rules, I assure you I do not. I have fallen into each and every sinkhole described here. Just ask my saintly fiancé, who somehow still wants to marry me.

THEN when you are done with this article read this book. It is a MUST for every newlywed.

cut, color, and a therapy session

Today I went red. Yup, RED. I was so over my blah brown so I called my friend Chris Ivey a few weeks ago and told her to start thinking about red for me. I did some google imaging and worked up the nerve to do it. I was all thinking I would do all over color but Chris knows me best and decided to do red highlights/chunks. And I LOVE it! It's funny how doing something different with your hair makes you feel like a new person. Apparently it was just what the doctor ordered for me. You see, I've been going to Chris for over 10 years now so she has watched me grow up. On a day like today when it's just the 2 of us we cover everything. Family, friends, food, working out, work, kids - you name it. As I was leaving Chris asked about Mom and it made me get kinda emotional. It made me realize that I do miss my mom. On the way home, I started getting kinda neurotic as I recapped everything Chris and I talked about and the realization of what I have gone through in the past few years. It brought on a surge of emotions - good and bad - and made me regret listening to the "stop this train" song by John Mayer earlier in the day, which I think may have really gotten all this going.

You see, my past few years have been BUSY. I don't know if you watch "Bethenny Ever After" but she had this kind of a moment on her show the other night. She was in the bottling plant watching as thousands and thousands of bottles move past her with her idea, her vision, her willpower inside (skinnygirl margarita). She got emotional and starting talking about how so much of the time we have something exciting happen and then we just keep moving to the next thing, then the next, then go from big idea to bigger idea, etc. without stopping to realize and really relish in the success of what we did. I feel like that has been my life over the past few years. One thing to another, to another, onto one really big thing, move past that onto whatever is next. Never letting it really sink in, the reality of it all. The reality of it all for me right now is this : my mom lives in Huntsville with my stepdad ( that's still very new), my brother & sis in law live in Milton with my sweet niece and soon to be niece or nephew, twin sister lives in Nashville with her new hubby, and Chris' sister and new hubby live in Eagleville with our niece and ALL of them - well, we don't see them as often as we'd like. After all, I spent the first year with Cora Beth, mom used to be here and not 2 hours away, Rachel lived right down the street, etc. It's hard. Everyone in my family works full time and our weekends are busy. Chris & I work full time and have so many commitments outside of work that we enjoy, like to have time with friends, with each other, with our dog and cat - how do you balance it all? I have no idea.

But today I sat back for a few minutes and let it all sink in, kinda. Even just going back one year from now is hard to process. I don't even know that it could be done. So I moved on. Onto things that scare me/make me anxious about getting older (I know, so healthy, right?). And since I have already said this much, I may as well just go all out and spill my guts on this one. In another Bethenny quote,"ther she blows!"

What if we can't have kids? (Doesn't every woman think about that?). What if when Chris & I do have kids my mom will still live in AL and work full time & I want her around, with me, whenever I need her(so selfish, I know!)? What if I want to adopt, but it never happens? What in the world do I want to be when I grow up? Am I doing everything I can with the resources I have been given? And so on and so forth...and that was just on the way home! Whew. I am exhausted just reading it. Looking back now I really believe that it's good to let these emotions out every now and then. But, I am not letting them get the best of me. I have to remember that MY God has a plan for everything. I have to cry out to my ABBA Father and say,"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”(2 Chronicles 20:12) I have to BE STILL and know. Know that it is good for me to stop and think about everything that has happened and give thanks to the one that has brought it, but to not get worked up about what will happen. That's in HIS hands. The best place for it all.

So, I guess I can consider this therapy session #2 for the day :) And since I did mention it, I will leave you with the lyrics of the song that got it all started. Dang you Pandora!

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Chris and his dad went to the beach house for a few days this past Thursday. This was a very spontaneous decision, and one I was very happy about for both of them. Even though I am not there I am assured the following things have happened (I couldn't be more thankful for since I am only good for so much of all the below) :

- lots, and lots, and lots, and lots of basketball (UK won the SEC Tournament!! YAY!)

- lunch at Hooter's, Buffalo Wild Wings, etc.

- loud. a whole lotta loud.

Here at the homefront this has been the "norm" :

- very, very little tv

- eating at home

- quiet. whole lotta quiet (other than my music while I get ready in the morning...my favorite while Chris has been gone!)

I can honestly say that while I do miss Chris, I have really enjoyed this time apart. Both of our jobs have kept us very busy lately and we both are exhausted by the time we get home. We tend to do so much together and not even think about it that when it comes to weekends like this one I have no problem being by myself or choosing what I want to do. I am also excited because I started off Chris' little vacay with a girl's night that was so much fun {as always!}. I spent the day with most of my family yesterday since Mom & Scotty came to town. We went shopping and spent time in Milton(very relaxing) and even all had dinner together. Today I went to church and then had lunch with Shelly, so we had some great one on one time. The rest of the day was mine to do whatever I wanted so I ran to TJMaxx, Target, and Forever 21 then came home and ate dinner and am now just hanging out solo. Much of the weekend has been very relaxing for both Chris & myself, which I really feel we both desperately needed to recharge.

I don't want you to think that I could get used to this, because I couldn't. There are quite a few things that I do miss other than Chris physically not being here. It has definitely made me more aware of how much he does around this house (oh how quickly I forget!).

The not so great things about Chris being gone are:

- litter box that he almost always takes care of

- pet "gifts" that I get to tackle on my own(which Ellie and Mip have both graciously given me all in one day, Ellie's was the worse - ever.)

- I have driven everywhere. Chris usually drives & I am fine with that, but I guess this is also a plus since that means I get to listen to whatever music I want :)

- safety of having him here with me. We have trained Ellie so well that she won't even sleep in the bed with me!

I am so thankful for this break for the both of us and can't wait to see Chris tomorrow. I pray we both have gotten rest and relaxed so we are ready to tackle whatever comes our way this week. Shoot, I may even cook dinner tomorrow night!

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth

until the hour of separation.

Khalil Gibran

The Million Dollar Question

Chris and I dated for 5 years before getting married. I was 18 and he was 20 when it all began, so we took our time. I was nowhere near close to being a married girl, but yet I knew I wanted to marry Chris. I wanted to live on my own, I was in school, I was working full time, we were both enjoying the wonderful "college" season. Yet, somehow, other people didn't see the same thing we saw so the inevitable came - after a few years the question, "when will you get married?" was constantly being asked. In September of 2005 after Chris had lived in his house for almost a year and Chris told not to renew my lease, we got engaged. Knowing I wanted plenty of time to plan and that summer was a crazy busy time for Chris we decided to get married Labor Day weekend 2006. So, finally we could answer the question - September 1, 2006 is when we will get married.

Well, it will be 5 years this September that we've been married and as you can imagine the next question to come has been asked numerous time over the past few years... "where are the babies?", "when will you all have kids?", "why don't you have a baby?".

Things were pretty smooth until last year when Chris' sister had Ellie Grace and everyone started getting ideas. Can I just say (haha, why yes, yes I can since this is my blog!) that there is nothing more awkward than people you already don't talk to often asking you such a personal question?! I don't mind when it's family (although, they don't ask) or close friends (which does come up in conversation and I will voluntarily talk about it with them). But if I haven't seen you in years and you walk up and ask me why we don't have kids, well I think that is one of the rudest things you could do. We simply do not owe anyone an explanation. Unless that is an offer to provide us with the insurance deductible, diapers, clothes, and practically move in to help I don't see the need to ask.

Another reason why - what if we can't have them? Then how awkward would that be? I have many friends right now who simply cannot get pregnant. They have been trying for years and do not have children. Do I know if that will be us? I have hope & faith that God will give to us exactly what He knows we can handle, but with my heart for adoption it simply wouldn't surprise me if he has other plans. If those other plans include us not birthing our own children than will I be excited? Yes. Will it be hard? Yes. Even as a little girl you imagine having children that look like your family, that you and your husband made together as a combination of 2 families coming together to make 1.

My cop out for this question has always been that I started babysitting at age 11 and after keeping children full time for 6 years at age 24. That is a LONG TIME of taking care of other people's children and seeing firsthand the amount of work that goes into having a child. I simply needed a break from that world. Chris and I are both very selfish with our time since we split it up between work, volunteering in many different aspects, church, family, etc. We like it just the 2 of us for now and know that one day we will be ready for that to change. When I babysat I worked with some of the most amazing moms that had it all together and did a great job with their children and I am sure that Chris and I will be good parents. I also know that when we do have #1 people can then start asking us when we are ready for #2...it's a never ending circle :)

Families with babies and families without babies

are sorry for each other.

Ed Howe

The Honeymooners ehhh...maybe?

"The bottom line is that marriage is a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it"

"You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry. Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it."

Agree or disagree with these quotes - that's up to you. But they definitely hit home with this married for almost 5 year "newlywed" who works full time, has many commitments, and who gets tired of people asking when Chris & I will have kids {that's another blog, another day!}. Marriage is work. It's hard work. And it certainly doesn't get easier as times goes on.

Just the other night I was getting treats out for El and Mip and Chris was emptying the dishwasher I thought to myself,"This is my husband next to me helping me out. This is the man I will {Lord willing} live with forever. That will be a part of my everyday - the fun parts and the mundane. The struggles and the joys." It's those little moments that bring to realization what marriage really means. It means forever - no matter how boring (or in our case how busy) life is, how many times you yell and fight and get on each other's nerves, how many times the dog poops or the cat gets sick and you argue over who picks it up - it's life. It's everyday reality that we are a TEAM. Without a true effort on both parts it could, and would, fall apart.

Don't get me wrong thinking I am all down in the dumps on marriage - that's not the case at all, but I want to be realistic about it. No one ever told me about what it was like post marriage. Yes, we did pre-marital counseling and that was very helpful, but maybe post-marital would have been more effective. I had many friends that shared plenty of advice for the big day(where to look for dresses, shoes, how I should wear my hair, etc), where to go on the honeymoon, how to decorate our house, but nothing about what it was like after. I was really the first of my friends to get married, so I didn't have anyone really sharing with me how much changes, how long it takes to adjust to the new reality, and the reality of really being ONE.

Shortly after we got married I read the book 52 fights - A Newlywed's Confession when I found it at Hastings in the cheap-o used section and instantly felt better. It helped me realize that everything we were going through was normal and that everything wouldn't change overnight. I now had a permanent roommate - as in we shared a room{which Lord help us all also meant a closet & bathroom}, not just a house - and that it wasn't expected of me to be able to live with someone and not fight, have major differences, and feel the need to run out of my house kicking and screaming from time to time {this happened more than I care to admit}. One hard reality was when I got angry or didn't get my way I couldn't just up and leave to go home - I.Was. Home. Dating for 5 years that had always been an option. I remember one time leaving and just driving straight out to Eagleville. HA! But at least I realized I needed time away to just think, refocus, and realize whatever it was I was upset about it sure as heck wasn't as big a deal as I thought it would be.

I moved into Chris' house, therefore, I wanted to redecorate, rearrange, make it ours. But, 3 months in I lost my job and then things started going downhill from there. We weren't active in a church {heck, we didn't even look for one until about 6 months into marriage since we were both stubborn about leaving our own church families} and didn't realize how much of our marriage was focused on just 2 of us, not with the Lord as the leader in our house. We just started on a major journey that wasn't promised to be easy and weren't looking at who we needed to for all wisdom, discernment and if we were it was individually and not together. Sad as it is, it took one major obstacle to slap us around a bit to show us the hard truth. During that time I had all kinds of emotions - anger, distrust(which was never a good thing considering my trust issues), and disappointment. But, that one struggle helped us realize everything that was important and to realize how badly we needed to work as one unit to make this life of ours work. Again, this wasn't going to happen overnight - it took quite some time, but it was what we needed.

Sad as it is, and this is especially true for me since I am so incredibly stubborn - sometimes God has to take you to the bottom of the pit to show you He's the only way to get out of it and that's where we were. And he brought us out. It hasn't been the easiest climb. It sure as anything hasn't been fun at times, but who said it always would be? We have chosen to remember that we are in this together, that God is the leader of this household and the provider of all things - the things we think are good and the ones that we think are bad - and that HE knows what is best for us. He has plans for us to prosper, he will not harm us, and he has hope and a future waiting for us (Jeremiah 29:11 promises this!). It is ours to receive. For this I am truly thankful. I am also thankful that HE is our example of love. After all, we love because HE first loved us. So, on the days when I am cranky, tired, stressed and don't want to talk - I know that I am loved. That my heavenly Father loves me and that because of His love so does my wonderful husband. Even when I don't deserve it. ♥