cut, color, and a therapy session

Today I went red. Yup, RED. I was so over my blah brown so I called my friend Chris Ivey a few weeks ago and told her to start thinking about red for me. I did some google imaging and worked up the nerve to do it. I was all thinking I would do all over color but Chris knows me best and decided to do red highlights/chunks. And I LOVE it! It's funny how doing something different with your hair makes you feel like a new person. Apparently it was just what the doctor ordered for me. You see, I've been going to Chris for over 10 years now so she has watched me grow up. On a day like today when it's just the 2 of us we cover everything. Family, friends, food, working out, work, kids - you name it. As I was leaving Chris asked about Mom and it made me get kinda emotional. It made me realize that I do miss my mom. On the way home, I started getting kinda neurotic as I recapped everything Chris and I talked about and the realization of what I have gone through in the past few years. It brought on a surge of emotions - good and bad - and made me regret listening to the "stop this train" song by John Mayer earlier in the day, which I think may have really gotten all this going.

You see, my past few years have been BUSY. I don't know if you watch "Bethenny Ever After" but she had this kind of a moment on her show the other night. She was in the bottling plant watching as thousands and thousands of bottles move past her with her idea, her vision, her willpower inside (skinnygirl margarita). She got emotional and starting talking about how so much of the time we have something exciting happen and then we just keep moving to the next thing, then the next, then go from big idea to bigger idea, etc. without stopping to realize and really relish in the success of what we did. I feel like that has been my life over the past few years. One thing to another, to another, onto one really big thing, move past that onto whatever is next. Never letting it really sink in, the reality of it all. The reality of it all for me right now is this : my mom lives in Huntsville with my stepdad ( that's still very new), my brother & sis in law live in Milton with my sweet niece and soon to be niece or nephew, twin sister lives in Nashville with her new hubby, and Chris' sister and new hubby live in Eagleville with our niece and ALL of them - well, we don't see them as often as we'd like. After all, I spent the first year with Cora Beth, mom used to be here and not 2 hours away, Rachel lived right down the street, etc. It's hard. Everyone in my family works full time and our weekends are busy. Chris & I work full time and have so many commitments outside of work that we enjoy, like to have time with friends, with each other, with our dog and cat - how do you balance it all? I have no idea.

But today I sat back for a few minutes and let it all sink in, kinda. Even just going back one year from now is hard to process. I don't even know that it could be done. So I moved on. Onto things that scare me/make me anxious about getting older (I know, so healthy, right?). And since I have already said this much, I may as well just go all out and spill my guts on this one. In another Bethenny quote,"ther she blows!"

What if we can't have kids? (Doesn't every woman think about that?). What if when Chris & I do have kids my mom will still live in AL and work full time & I want her around, with me, whenever I need her(so selfish, I know!)? What if I want to adopt, but it never happens? What in the world do I want to be when I grow up? Am I doing everything I can with the resources I have been given? And so on and so forth...and that was just on the way home! Whew. I am exhausted just reading it. Looking back now I really believe that it's good to let these emotions out every now and then. But, I am not letting them get the best of me. I have to remember that MY God has a plan for everything. I have to cry out to my ABBA Father and say,"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”(2 Chronicles 20:12) I have to BE STILL and know. Know that it is good for me to stop and think about everything that has happened and give thanks to the one that has brought it, but to not get worked up about what will happen. That's in HIS hands. The best place for it all.

So, I guess I can consider this therapy session #2 for the day :) And since I did mention it, I will leave you with the lyrics of the song that got it all started. Dang you Pandora!

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train